Good job crew! Your votes were tallied and taken to the doctor’s office yesterday. I showed him the results and he made the baby a BOY! It was 7 for boy, 1 for girl, so in a landslide victory our little fetus now has a penis.

Its a great day here in the Garfield house. We’re getting a son, the dog finally learned applied nuclear physics, and Michael Jackson’s ghost visited me last night and told me he’d left all his assets to me! (Wait…debt? What the….!)

So, thank you all who helped to decide the fate of our little guy. Now we’ve got to jump aboard the “what the hell do we name him” train and take off. Later!

Fellow Duckduckians! The long awaited day is almost here! The day when I head to the doctors to have the sex of my unborn child determined…in a battle to the death! If I’m correct in assuming how this works, we go into the office, they waved a magic wand over my gullet, and the doctor chooses the sex based on a Chinese lunar calendar.

But why let the guy in the white coat decide my future? Now YOU can choose my own adventure! Cast your votes, readers.  What will it be? Boy? Girl? Let’s hope one of the two, eh? Not one of those…other types…

You tell me. And based on your votes, we’ll let the doctor know and he can make the necessary changes when we get to the office. Man, I’m so knowledgeable for a first time mom!

Oh-PS-We go in on Wednesday at 2:30. All votes will be null and void after that time.

All right Mr. Jobs. I’m on to you. Don’t try to “front”, as the kids say. I know you bought off those doctors and landed yourself on the top of the liver-getting list. How do I know? Because I can smell a rat.

First, you introduce us to the iPod. Clever. “Oh, the world needs more music! It needs more readily accessible media.” Yeah. It was all a set up to get your name out there. You knew someday you would need this liver. But the iPod wasn’t enough.

Next came the Mac Book. Sleek, shiny, and covered with the hokey plea of “buy me so I can get a liver someday!”. I didn’t fall for it. Many did. But not me.

Your last ditch effort was the iPhone. That thing has Liver written all over it….if you download the “liver-written-all-over-me” app. You designed this little piece of machinery-do0 to make more money and impress more doctors.

And now, how convenient. The day has arrived. And there you sit, Mr. Jobs, with your shiny new liver and that smug smile on your face. But I know the truth. Its a set up. You’ll do it again, with a heart, a kidney, a BRAIN! Until you are no more Steve Jobs than I am. And you will rule the world with your transplanted fist.

The future looks grim.

Hi! I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, maybe a few too many times, that I recently applied to work for The Onion. I have no illusions that I will be chosen to write for the sacred mother ship, but it was a fun process non-the-less to come up with ten Oniony headlines. So, in the tradition of self-gratification (in a good way) I present to you my Onion submissions:

*Britain’s Sick of Waiting for Queen to Die: Holds Funeral Anyway

*Hippies Hold Annual “Nothing Like the Original Burning Man” Festival

*Justice Scalia Overcame Harvard Upbringing to Rise to Ranks of Supreme Court

*Gaming Addict Accidentally has Sex With Wife

*Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore Angry Over Lack of Cute Conglomerate Nickname

*Outdoors Equipment Stores See Influx in Douche Bags Buying Climbing Gear

*Obama Visit’s With Nation’s Poor Behind Double Thick Glass From Moving Car

*Blind Man Sees For the First Time After Surgery: Disappointed By Wife’s Looks

*Some Pregnant Women Now Think Natural Labor not “Hard Core Enough”, Opt for Sumo Pummeling While Delivering

*Wookie Scientist Finds Genetic Link to Walking Carpet

*Beauty Contestant Accidentally Makes Sense When Answering Judge’s Question

*Facebook to Add New “Stab” Feature

Them’s um. I’ll find out in probably two weeks or so if they want me on staff. Its almost IMPOSSIBLE to get hired by these guys so I state again, I have no grand hopes. But at least I was able to devote a few days to living my dream.

I’ve been married to Dan now for a year and a half. In that time, I’ve learned not only to love and appreciate the quirky antics of married life, but I have also started learning the strange and sometimes mind boggling language of the techies. So here’s my dictionary of tech terms as I’ve heard them used in context…

OS X: This is Mac’s operating santa. He brings toys to all the good apple users. To get on OS’s list, you must purchase things called APPS…there like burnt offerings to the OS.

FTP: This is a typo that no techies have ever corrected. Its supposed to be FTL. Which we all know means “Faster Than Light”. Whenever Dan and I watch a movie, he beams it in from space using  faster than light technology…I’m still working on figuring that one out…

MYSQL: This is the college all computer geeks go to to learn how to “code”.

Coding: Coding is the ability to learn the most obscure tech terms and use them in a sentence. For example, “Hey dude, my Binary Trees aren’t growing as fast as they used to.” To which dude replies, “Yeah, you need to ramp up your gigawats and use more PHP.” That is an example of coding.

OpenCL: Only people who know what this is know what this is….that’s how Dan described it to me…it makes sense. I think you have to skin a cat and chant for a while before they’ll tell you the real meaning. And I’m not into that.

Embedded code: Where babies come from.

So as you can see I’m quite the tech-speaker myself. I have a lot to learn but I can assure you I’m far ahead of where I was months ago. So if you’ll excuse my I’m off to play Galstone-con on my iPwn.

Well, in an unprecedented fit of boredom…I’ve decided to make mention of a few of my favorite, or least favorite, people or things in the world at present. I’m calling it the Duckduck Awards! Statues may be claimed in person at the Denny’s restaurant down the street in two weeks.

WORST JOURNALIST EVER AWARD:

This was a toss up. There are a lot of annoying pundits and reporters out there these days. But after careful review I couldn’t pass up the one that makes my blood boil the mostest and that would have to be NANCY GRACE from CNN. This woman looks like a cheap butch country singer. And her journalism style is akin to the National Enquirer…but without the awesome fat toddlers or bat boys.

BEST POLITCAL HAIR AWARD:

Well, there’s no contest here. Rod Blogoivich stands front and center on this. You could travel back to the 80’s by just touching that mane of madness. Love it. I’m sure it will win him big support when he goes to trial.

BEST MOTOVATIONAL SPEAKER TURNED PRESIDENT AWARD:

Obaaaaama! (Yelled in an Oprah type salute). Yep. This guy’s got oratory down. He sounds so good when he speaks he has to pause at every other word just so people can, in hushed silence, really internalize the depth of substance being conveyed. So much power…so many…words. I don’t even care what he says. I just love that it all sounds pretty.

WORST THREAT TO THE AMERICAN PUBLIC’S WAY OF LIFE AWARD:

Teletubbies. Those little bastards still freak me out.

BEST NEW TECHNOLOGICAL GIMMICK TO TAKE ALL OUR MONEY AWARD:

Blue Ray for sure. Remember Laser Disc? Very few do. Blue Ray is shiny, sounds good, costs a ton, and will be obsolete in a year. That’s why I’ve kept all my old VHS tapes. I like them, they look fine, and they cost NOTHING at DI right now. Now if only I had a functioning VHS player….

I’m in Colorado right now babysitting two of my nephews for a few days. Last night as I was tucking in the three year old we had the following dialogue:

Josh: Woby?

Me: Yeah Joshy?

Josh: When I grow up, I want to be as big as a penis! (held hands wide in measuring form)

Me: Ah…you’ll have to eat all your veggies…I guess.

I never thought that was something to aspire to….but I guess I’ve been proved wrong.

When I was in high school I never left the house without at least a little make-up on and some kind of fixed hair. In college I tried my best to keep up appearances for all the fellas I was watching. On my mission I was homely but well kept.

I went to the store the other day and I caught my reflection in the freezer isle glass door. There I stood. In a pair of old scrub pants and a t-shirt I dug out of my brother’s DI box ten years ago. I had a twig in my hair and I realized my flip flops didn’t match.

This is all happening before I even have kids. In five years I’ll just be wearing garbage bags and duct tape. Its a downward spiral. This could be me soon:

That’s right…I could be Nancy Pelosi ET. Shudder.

We’ve all had our run-ins with famous people. I don’t know why it is I can remember every celebrity enounter I’ve had but can’t remember a single meeting with anyone one from any of my classes at BYU. So, in the tradition of self-indulgence, I will share with you some of my most memorable “famous people meetings”.

Probably the one that comes to mind first was the few minutes I spent with movie producer Micheal Bay at a school in California a few years ago. I had taught his daughter in a class during a summer camp where I worked. He came to “Parents Day”. We met briefly and he even gave me a hug. It was cool. Even though he makes pretty crappy movies.

Sad that that encounter comes to mind before the half hour almost private meeting I had with former Secretary of State Madeline Albright. It was back when I was doing reporting and attended a press conference at Sundance on a new book she was publishing. Not many other reporters showed up so it was just her and I, and a few other n00bs for about 30 minutes.

I sat next to Al Roker on an airplane coming back from San Fransisco. It was right after his fat-person surgery so I didn’t recognize him. I told my mom afterwards that I sat next to a skiny black guy that looked like that fat black guy on TV. She squealed and told me the Today’s Show had been in San Fran filming a show. I was mad I hadn’t told him that NBC needed to get rid of Meridith Viera. She’s so smug.

Once, while vacationing with the family in Sun Valley, Idaho, we sat a table away from Clint Eastwood at a restaurant. My dad about passed out. I was pretty young but knew the name. Had it been now I would have punched him in the face just to say I’d punched Clint Eastwood in the face.

Dave Matthews once waved at me and a friend from his tour bus after a concert. I know it was his hand. I just know it.

Well, there’s more but they get pretty obscure and specilative. (I thought I might have triped Pamela Anderson in airport once…). Other members of my family have had much more significant famous people ecounters. I.E My brother once caught Harrison Ford when he slipped on the ice in Alaska. Cool story.  I’d like to hear if any of you have any significant meetings. I love American royalty!

My mom never reads my blog. But she just so happened to read my last post and wasn’t thrilled with my views on Mormon marketing. So Mom, this post is dedicated entirely to you. I’ll let the photos do the talking:

And of course:

Happy mother’s day to all!