Whew! I was ANGRY in that last post. That’s what all the CAPS were for. Now that I have a minute to step back and smell the gasoline I think maybe our country could benefit from the recent oil price hikes. Here’s why…in 3 easy to follow bullet points.

A Call for Reformation

For years we’ve all been driving around like “noobs”. Gasoline? What is that? We nee to invent a new super car that runs on the INTERNATIONAL FUEL. You know? Love. That right. I say with all this new push to make cars more fuel efficient we give up on gas and turn to love. I can hear the house hold “convo” now.

“Dear. We’re out of love for the car.”

“Dammit Alice. If you weren’t so homely we could drive across the country on one tank of love.”

But I regress

Bike riding: Its not just for Mexicans anymore

Yes. I propose we all take to the streets on those delightful two-wheeled contraptions called Cyle-doos. Or something. Biking is the transportation of the dandy-man. Large steel wheels move in sync with a street grinder playing the jovial tune of “Daisy”. Yes. Its a nifty time to be alive and on the streets. If you’re in a Disney movie, you weirdo.

Stay at home and read a…a…what its called? A book.

What a good time a book can be. You can throw it, eat it, burn it, sell it to you’re handicapped neighbor. There are so many things a book can do for you. So in light of these gas gouging times, grab a good read and transport yourself to a land of fashion and bitchy women…oh wait…I grabbed a copy of “RedBook”

So relax you whining whiner. Oh yeah, that was me

Gas doesnt gouge people. People gouge people. So take these savvy suggestions and you’ll live through this little national dilemma with no worries. And remember, if the gas gets you down, you get down on da gas! Please. Don’t make sense of it. Just roll with it. Oooooooh yeeeeah.

Most of my posts are sardonic little pieces of fluff with no real meaning. But I am ANGRY! So listen up y’all.

We have all been at the mercy for months now of oil investors and high gas prices. I AM DONE BEING THE STOOGE TO THEIR…STOOGE-NESS!!! Its time the American people spoke up. Read the following and UNDERSTAND IT. Please:

http://hsgac.senate.gov/public/_files/052008Masters.pdf

Because oil speculation is so out of wack, we’re all suffering at the pumps. But I’m done sitting this one out. Here’s what I propose:

A protest!!! A real, organized, “I’m an American Citizen wielding my rights to not get screwed” PROTEST. I shall call my band CRAAPP, or Citizens Really Angry About Pretroleum Prices.

ARE YOU WITH ME? I want to get a group together as soon as next weekend to protest up at the Utah State Capital. Read that paper. There’s a legal loophole that the government is doing NOTHING about and that oil speculators or reaping BILLIONS from. I LIKE CAPS!!!!!

Let me know people. We need to get up and do something. I’m done with whining at my poor husband.

This post is not about anything cultural…or is it? This morning I woke up with one goal in mind: to run farther than I ever have independent of any other person. Oh, I’ve been on long runs when other people take me along and motivate me every step. But this was to be My Run.

I started off ok and was all pumped to run my little heart out. Then it got hot, I got tired, and hope looked lost. But on I pressed and I was in the zone. And after about a half hour I thought maybe my goal (at least 5 miles) would be obtainable.

Then it hit me: it doesn’t matter how long I run. Or how far or how hard. BECAUSE, and here’s the sick thing, I’ll just have to do it again tomorrow anyway! Go to hell, running! You can’t bank exercise. So no matter how long I run or how many stupid calories I burn…I’ll just have to do it again later. 

So I gave up after 4 miles and went home to eat a bag of fried potato goodness. If I can’t bank running, at least I can bank fat.

the end

This one was too good to pass up today. See if you notice the same glaring logical fallacy that I did.

“BYU Math Teaching Assistants called BYU police to report a male student who had repeatedly threatened them. The student said he would pull out a female TA’s hair with duct tape and would stab another TA’s foot with a thumb drive to infect him with a deadly virus. BYU police are questioning the individual.”

“Stab his foot with a thumb drive”???? That’s good stuff.

Every era of cinema has its ethnic super villain. In 1940’s the Japanese were always the bad guys. They were portrayed with with such loathing by American directors that many people here in the US still have unfounded fears of “The Japs”. Then that whole WWII thing ended and it was Ze Germans. Yes, we all love a good Nazi antagonist with his ranks of gestapo and thick German accent. The Sound of Music made sure of that. During the Cold War it was, you guessed it, those pesky Ru-skies. Many movies didn’t even bother to differentiate between the Russian KGB and the Nazis and a whole generation has grown up thinking Hitler was a communist. Thank you James Bond.

So who do we hate these days, cinematically speaking? The Arabs, of course. It seems movie after movie recently has pited a hearty, all American hero against a crazed Middle Eastern war lord. In Transformers half the movie seemed like a “War in Iraq” propaganda movie with silly looking arab extras scrambling out of the way as heroic Army men battled monstrous robots.

The most glaring example of our modern movie menace? Any one see Iron Man? Apparently a lot of us. Here we have every one’s favorite slosh-head Robert DJ fighting, you guessed it, an evil Iranian (or something) gun trafficker. The arabs are the bad guys. Mr. Downey and his suit of many colors were the heroic “all American” super dudes. Guaranteed if this movie was made 20 years ago he would have been captured in Russia and the gun guys would have been KGB line men.

I wonder what the future will hold for us? The Italians? The Costa Ricans? The Luxemburgians? What ever comes, rest assured America will always have its ethnic super villain to keep movie plots moving along.

I know this may seem redundant but I had to post another Police Beat. Enjoy.

“A parking officer reported an open container of alcohol in a vehicle near the Harris Fine Arts Center. Upon investigation, police determined the container in question was in fact an empty bottle of maple syrup. “

My question is…Why would you call the cops anyway if you found an open container of alcohol? Smokey the Bear says, “just throw the damn thing away, moron.”

If none of you have ever had the opportunity to attended Brigham Young University then you may be missing out…on what I’m not sure, but something. Every few weeks the school’s paper prints the “Police Beat”, little nuggets of gold that wonderfully expose the school’s “loonyism”. They’re pure gold. You can’t make this stuff up. So a few days a week I’ll be posting my favorite. Stay tuned.

“March 21: BYU police received a call reporting a male dressed in a bright yellow suit looking for duck eggs near the duck pond. When police arrived as the scene the man was nowhere to be found.”

I repeat. You can’t make this stuff up.

On a recent trip to Disneyland, the most magical place on earth, we found this sign

Holy cheese and crackers Batman!! They’ve finally done it.  Disney Corp has found a way to by-pass God and create their own miracles! For the low low price of a $93 admissions ticket you too can be healed. All your wheel-chair problems will vanish like pixie dust if you can hawk it to come in to the park.  So come one come all to the amazing anti-paralysis line found only in one magic spot in the park. We won’t tell you where, but maps are only $70 a piece.

Hi all. Today’s entry is a little different from the usual format. First off the subject matter isn’t the fluff you’re used to. Sorry. Second, today marks the first in what hopes to be a series of podcasts from Duck Duck. So sit back, put your feet up, and listen to the sweet sound of the ocean. Now come back you moron! We’re not by the ocean. You’ve gone crazy. While we wait for the men in white coats to arrive, we’ll listen to this interview

I had the recent opportunity to sit down with a man who’s making quite the epic journey. He’s going from San Fransisco to Boston on foot. That’s right. Foot. Why? You might ask. He’s having people across the country write messages in a notebook he hopes to give to the soon to the president elect in November. Great idea I say. Here’s what he had to say about Operation: Tell the President Something. *

*Not the real name of project. I made it up.

 

 Interview with BJ Hill: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

This last week I went on a “Dark Night” spree. Tuesday it was the original “Batman” movie with Jack Nicholson. Wednesday it was “Batman Begins”. A week or so ago my husband introduced me to a classic cartoon called “Batman Beyond”. So why the sudden surge in winged watchings? With the upcoming Batman release and an ever increasing crime rate, I feel it necessary to return to the roots of the super hero. Batman is one spandex sporter who will stand against the ages. He is….Batman

In the Beginning

Batman is timeless. He was born in the brain of Bob Kane and Bill Finger (awesome name) in 1939. These two men, commissioned after the success of Spiderman in 1938, had the task of creating America’s first non homosexual super hero. Batman was all man. Even during the Adam West years when Batman danced and had a rather prolific arsenal of onomatopoeia he was still “the man”. Bat gear made him macho and as of yet no skulking girls have got in his way.

The Legend Continues

Batman is the James Bond of the super hero world. He’s sleek, he’s ruthless, and he’s all powerful. What finally gets the Dark Knight’s goat, so the legend goes, is a battle with a dastard in which Batman actually uses a hand gun. The caped avenger is deflated only when he sinks to the level of us: the level of everyday street crime.At the dawn of the new movie in May, may we all remember the legend of “The Bat” by stuffing our face with loads of greasy popcorn with dozens of young and upcoming batlings. Til next time: I’m….not Batman.