Probably the one that comes to mind first was the few minutes I spent with movie producer Micheal Bay at a school in California a few years ago. I had taught his daughter in a class during a summer camp where I worked. He came to “Parents Day”. We met briefly and he even gave me a hug. It was cool. Even though he makes pretty crappy movies.

Sad that that encounter comes to mind before the half hour almost private meeting I had with former Secretary of State Madeline Albright. It was back when I was doing reporting and attended a press conference at Sundance on a new book she was publishing. Not many other reporters showed up so it was just her and I, and a few other n00bs for about 30 minutes.

I sat next to Al Roker on an airplane coming back from San Fransisco. It was right after his fat-person surgery so I didn’t recognize him. I told my mom afterwards that I sat next to a skiny black guy that looked like that fat black guy on TV. She squealed and told me the Today’s Show had been in San Fran filming a show. I was mad I hadn’t told him that NBC needed to get rid of Meridith Viera. She’s so smug.

Once, while vacationing with the family in Sun Valley, Idaho, we sat a table away from Clint Eastwood at a restaurant. My dad about passed out. I was pretty young but knew the name. Had it been now I would have punched him in the face just to say I’d punched Clint Eastwood in the face.

Dave Matthews once waved at me and a friend from his tour bus after a concert. I know it was his hand. I just know it.

Well, there’s more but they get pretty obscure and specilative. (I thought I might have triped Pamela Anderson in airport once…). Other members of my family have had much more significant famous people ecounters. I.E My brother once caught Harrison Ford when he slipped on the ice in Alaska. Cool story.  I’d like to hear if any of you have any significant meetings. I love American royalty!

Robynn’s Really Terrific Tips

Tip #1-Transformers messed up the front lawn!

I know we’ve all been there. Every time the Allspark get stolen by some evil mastermind, my front lawn is absolutely demolished by those pesky “robots in disguise” looking for a place to hide. So, being the mindful housewife I am, I now keep a regular old EMP generator in the pantry next to the bleach and clean towels. When I see the beasty things headed for my azaleas, I zap ‘em. Their emaciated remains make lovely yard art.

Tip #2-Oooops! Terminator arm dents on the trunk of your car!

So, it happened again last week. We were taking the kids on a little family outing when good ol’ T-1000 sticks his extend-o-mimetic poly-alloy-arm into the trunk of the car. After raming his robot body into a smelter, I’m left with quite a messy looking car. No problem! To fix those annoying little “T-holes” just pour a mixture of liquid nitrogen and melted steel on the trunk, let it sit for two or three days, and then drive it off a cliff. The insurance will never be able to prove that the T-800 didn’t destroy the car in self defense. And then BLING-payout.

Tip #3-Rotting zombie flesh on the upholstery.

When the undead show up unexpected, they can sometimes leave quite a mess. So next time you’re left to clean up Uncle Jack’s rotten leavings off the couch or Neighbor Millie’s discarded eye-ball, remember; a little kerosene goes a long way. Torch the living room, and start over. Also, this cleaning method works double time. The undead HATE fire and will probably not return if they know you burned your house to the ground upon their last visit.

So friends, here are just a few ‘helpful hints’ on how to keep your house and cars free of unsightly dings and torsos. And remember: there’s nothing a little c4 and ammonium nitrate can’t fix!

Have you ever wondered why fighting The Man is a good thing, but so is being The Man? If you’re The Man, your cool. If you’re fighting The Man, you’re cool. So who is this ‘Man’? I say, he’s a dual-personalitied robot who feels neither hate nor love. I think a movie about this mysterious Man would be most interesting. On one side, The Man would be a doush bag in a suit. On the other side, a guy with a can of Axe Body Spray.

The movie would be called “Man Versus Man”. We could work midgets and weasles into the mix. I think its going to be a major motion picture. Huzaah!

So I’m on a hike with the dog up Rock Canyon and we’re plugging along, doin our thang when I hear a loud WHOOOSH. Dog gets all dog like and scared and I think a bunch of rocks are about to fall on our heads. Then what to my wondering eyes should appear but a man, floating in the air, descending gradually off the canyon wall…with a parachute! I know: WHA????!!!

He landed just in front of where I was standing. Apparently he and his friend are base jumpers and have been jumping Rock Canyon for a while now. Oh, man. It was so cool to watch to second guys go hurtling off the edge of the cliff and WHOOSH again and come gliding down.

So I’m now fascinated with this whole base jumping thing. Dan says I have to go sky diving before I jump off a cliff. Maybe I will…

January: We decided one yaught was just not enough. Bought a second and vacationed off the cost a Burma. Frightfully dull I’m afraid. Too many Indians.

February: Dan finished his Phd in neuro-bio-chemo-psycho-English lexacology.  He’s such a gem.

March: Bought our pure bread canine from a breeder in Wales. She’s the most well behaved bitch in the neighborhood. Cuts the mail lady up in little pieces before eating her…with a fork of course.

April: Could handle upholstery in the drawing no longer. Decorator had abhorrent taste. Fed her to dog. Had dog decorate the drawing room. Beautiful.

May: Vacationed in New York to see how the little people live.  No sign of them any where. The must live below ground.

June: Dan and I had a lovely time playing bridge and croquet on the south lawn. Dog ate gardener them promptly fertilized the roses. We do love her.

July: In-laws visited from Palm Springs. Brought with them a touch of the Plague.  Five of our best chauffeurs were lost. Poor devils.

August: Tennis out back. I just love a good match. The last one I lit took down the whole barn and stables.

September: Men in white coats came for mother. It turns out the man she’d been dating turned up with a few holes in him…also poor devil.

October: We so enjoyed a little time back east. Uncle Albert was especially moved by the National Gallery.  I think it was all the abstract expressionism.  And nudity.

November: Dan was offered the prestigious Newman Fellowship at Stanford. Stanford is for trashy white people. He turned it down.

December: Ah, what a lark is the Holiday Season. Dan bought me Lithuania. He’s so thoughtful. I got him a new set of Maseratis.  He deserved them, of course. Climbing Mt. Everest doesn’t happen every day. Unless you’re a Sherpa. Damn Sherpas.

So that was our year. Not much really. I’m sure this coming year will bring many more surprises and joys. PS-the Dog just ate mother. The dear.

Reason the first: Sarah Connor should be every small girls role model

That was a long heading! But for a good reason. Sarah Connor is the Man. In girly speak that is. She is the first and only female lead in a movie that can actually hold her own against a robotic race of crazies…or any crazies. And Starbuck from BSG doesn’t count. She’s more machine that man (she’s not a Cylon). Sarah, especially in T-2, is a gun slinging, bomb building, rocket launching bad -*censored for my mother*. Much like someone else I know, featured in the photo below.

Reason the second: Arnold should be EVERY one’s role model

Yeah, that’s right. The Governator. What’s scarier than a villian that can’t be killed? Its a rhetorical question, so stop anwering. There’s nothing scarier than a non-terminatable bad guy.  Except maybe Rosie O’Donnel. *Shudder*. The thing I love about Arnold in all the movies is that he maintains his inderstuclable-ness. Even in T-2 when they melt him, he still goes down with style, and he still comes back.  And the fianl scene of T-1 is face melting. James Cameron did s great job making the Terminator both indestructible and yet slightly human at the same time. That’s what makes him such a chilling villain. Or makes him chillin like a….oh, you get the point.

Well, enough about that.  I could fill a book with love letters for the Terminator movies, at least the first two. I’ll just say, this fourth jobbie they’ve got coming up had better be damn good, because its missing all the elements of a good T flick: no Arnold, no Linda Hamilton, no James Cameron. Christian Bale has some mightly large shoes to fill.

I work in an assisted living home, and needless to say these old folks are pretty darned funny.  Here are a few highlights from the last few weeks.

• I went to take a package to a woman’s room. Upon approaching her door, I saw a pair of underwear hanging from her door handle. I didn’t go in because in my generation a tie on the door knob meant “Do not enter” so I wasn’t sure if the under-roos were a kind of warning about what might be going on inside the door..

• A woman  came up to me the other day and said “I don’t want to talk to you ever again.” As she turned to leave my desk, she said, as an afterthought, “you’re so lovely.”

• I took someone to a dentist appointment the other day. About every two minutes the lady would ask me, “where are we going?”. I’d tell her we were headed to the dentist and she’d say, “Oh, well, I’m glad you know where you’re going, because I sure don’t.”. This same conversation repeated itself until we completed the half hour ride.

• A cute old man likes to sit on his walker and push himself around the lobby…backwards. As he scoots around he usually bumps into chairs, people, and other walkers.

• We have a few really nice, plush chairs in the lobby accompanied with wonderful throw pillows. Every morning, a dear, confused lady takes all the pillows out of the lobby up to her room. Every afternoon, I head up to her room, ask her to tell me a story, and while she’s talking I throw the pillows out in the hall and them return them to their rightful place.

• There are plenty of other funny moments but I’ll close with this one. We have a gentleman resident who makes Swedish meatballs every year at Christmas and sells them to other residents. A woman bought a few of his wares a couple days ago. On the subject line on the check she put, “for Bill’s balls”.

That’s about all I can think of at the moment but believe me, quirky times abound by the droves everyday in this wonderful place.

I propose a new “Ducktriot Act” to be put inplace immediatly. We could tap the hell out of all that quacking and put monitors around every aquatic open space. Ductriot police could be assigned to watch closely the conversations happening around ponds and open waters. Speaking of water, we should definitely water-board some ducks.

That’s how I’m going to keep America safe. How about you???

In the Beginning

Halloween began many years ago in a time called “The 1960s”. WW11 had been over for a bit and people were looking for a reason to be angry again. Soon, somewhere in New York, armed thugs decided instead of holding up a drugstore dressed in the usual nylon cap and black ensemble, they’d don football uniforms and red dye…starting the first “dead football team” costumes. Then small children, wanting to get in on the fun of thugery, began dressing up in various outfits and holding up their neighbors for cash and jewelery while their parents waited in the car.

Modern day Halloween-ery

After the rash of armed robberies, police decided to mainstream the concept and encourage children to “rob” people of store-bought candy each October. They allowed them to maintain a “Trick or Treat” clause, providing that any house bereft of sweet hand-outs would be toilet papered, “forked”, or vandalized in any way the youth saw fit.

So, that’s where Halloween comes from. There are a few other details, but I really don’t want to bore you. Consult your local library for books on the 1960′s dawn of Halloween, or “Hell, man! That kid’s a wiener Day”, as it was called at the time.

Mortgages: Who needs them, really?

Every time I log on to the news it seems the same old thing is happening over and over again. Big lending firm lent too much money, gov’t has to bail them out, presidential candidates flip a coin to see who is going to oppose and support aforementioned bail out. So, I propose the following:

Instead of everyone “owning” homes and lashing the beast of mortgage upon their back, I say-lets all buy islands in the Caribbean and troll out the rest of our days as deep sea bass fishers, or pirates. I know what you’re saying, “how on earth could 6 billion people all buy their own island?”. Oh ye of little faith. If the gov’t has $85 billion to spare on bail outs, then they definitely can afford to move the country’s population off-shore. It would be like Swiss Family Robinson…except this time, no genocide.

Cost of living or cost of dying? You tell me

Another “woe” that has a lot of people taking the plunge and jumping off a building is the ever rising cost of keeping our hides alive. Milk, cheese, gas. All of these so called “necessities” have gone up in price. So what to do? Well, the most cost effective solution in my opinion is to buy a one time dinner at one of those all-you-can-eat buffets and then just keep going back. Think about it; just because you walk out of the restaurant doesn’t mean you’ve had all you can eat. Tomorrow you’ll be just as hungry. Save your receipt and when someone questions about it, just point to where it says all you can eat on the sign outside. Mumble something (with mouth full, of course) about how you haven’t finished your meal, and might not for say, six or seven months. Even a Supreme Court justice couldn’t argue with that logic. Not even that smug Scalia.

News is for N00bs

Finally friends, the best way to steer your self clear of this so called “economic crisis” is to ignore its existence. John McCain does it, and you can too. Switch off the TV when they start talking about all that stock-dropping, bank-foreclosing, people-living-in-the-streets propaganda. They just want to pull at your heart strings so you’ll donate to their next Tell-a-Thon. Really. The less you know, the better off you are. Just look at Jesse Jackson. He’s been living that mantra for years and he’s a famous…something.

Worry not about the economy. Its sure isn’t worrying about you. So next time you see the economy on the street, just stick out your tongue and keep moving. Its about time we showed that elitist jerk who’s in control.