Category Archives: Total Coolness

The Duck’s Financial Plan

Good morning duck readers. In light of recent economic events, I’ve decided to release my top secret “Operation: Duckonomics” plan. This sure-fire strategy to pulling our nation out of the current “slump” is…sure…fire (I was in trouble about two words into that sentence). So pull up a chair, grab your slide rule and abacus, because its time to get down to business.

Mortgages: Who needs them, really?

Every time I log on to the news it seems the same old thing is happening over and over again. Big lending firm lent too much money, gov’t has to bail them out, presidential candidates flip a coin to see who is going to oppose and support aforementioned bail out. So, I propose the following:

Instead of everyone “owning” homes and lashing the beast of mortgage upon their back, I say-lets all buy islands in the Caribbean and troll out the rest of our days as deep sea bass fishers, or pirates. I know what you’re saying, “how on earth could 6 billion people all buy their own island?”. Oh ye of little faith. If the gov’t has $85 billion to spare on bail outs, then they definitely can afford to move the country’s population off-shore. It would be like Swiss Family Robinson…except this time, no genocide.

Cost of living or cost of dying? You tell me

Another “woe” that has a lot of people taking the plunge and jumping off a building is the ever rising cost of keeping our hides alive. Milk, cheese, gas. All of these so called “necessities” have gone up in price. So what to do? Well, the most cost effective solution in my opinion is to buy a one time dinner at one of those all-you-can-eat buffets and then just keep going back. Think about it; just because you walk out of the restaurant doesn’t mean you’ve had all you can eat. Tomorrow you’ll be just as hungry. Save your receipt and when someone questions about it, just point to where it says all you can eat on the sign outside. Mumble something (with mouth full, of course) about how you haven’t finished your meal, and might not for say, six or seven months. Even a Supreme Court justice couldn’t argue with that logic. Not even that smug Scalia.

News is for N00bs

Finally friends, the best way to steer your self clear of this so called “economic crisis” is to ignore its existence. John McCain does it, and you can too. Switch off the TV when they start talking about all that stock-dropping, bank-foreclosing, people-living-in-the-streets propaganda. They just want to pull at your heart strings so you’ll donate to their next Tell-a-Thon. Really. The less you know, the better off you are. Just look at Jesse Jackson. He’s been living that mantra for years and he’s a famous…something.

Worry not about the economy. Its sure isn’t worrying about you. So next time you see the economy on the street, just stick out your tongue and keep moving. Its about time we showed that elitist jerk who’s in control.

Battlestar Gallactica: A Love-Hate Relationship

Hmmmm. I’ve been debating about a BSG post for a while. This little show has become somewhat of a bane on my existence lately, but not for the reasons you might think. Let me explain. (oh, there might be a…what’s it called? Yes, a spoiler alert.)

It started with bang

The first season I was there. We had wars, exploration, plot furthering, and character development. Each episode was tied into the general plot sequence: find earth. The President had cancer and we all hung on her every word. Commander Adama was maybe a cylon and we all watched his every move (at least for that one episode). The writers did a good job of making the events circle around the central plot. Everything was coming up roses…or some type of intergalactic plant life.

A flacid second half

Then came season two. It’s been a downhill battle ever since all the gang returned from Kobal. Now it seems the writers all went on some kind of vacation and have left the actors to fend for themselves. Every episode is the exact same as the last. Every conflict is resolved by some brilliant military scheme orchestrated by Starbuck or a gang of street roving midgets…strike that last one. But really. Can this show get any more redundant or bleak? I could tell you, without watching the next episode, exactly what was going to happen, more or less. I need the PLOT back, people. If I have to sit through one more episode where some totally random character is introduced who tries to incite some kind of revolution and then gets blown up by Adama’s troops I’m going eat a pot of Poinsettias.

Now, I’ve only made it to Season 2. I’m assured that the writers get their act together (or get fired) and things pick up. I have great faith in that. Its a good show. Really. But I’m getting a little bored. So here’s what I’m going to need to happen soon: reveal at least 3 more cylons, find some type of new setting so I don’t go blind watching the Galactica set, have a happy episode where the crew goes, oh I don’t know, to the circus or something, and bring Billy the President’s assistant back. Is that too much to ask? I think not. So come on Season 3. I’m waiting.

Simma Down Now

Whew! I was ANGRY in that last post. That’s what all the CAPS were for. Now that I have a minute to step back and smell the gasoline I think maybe our country could benefit from the recent oil price hikes. Here’s why…in 3 easy to follow bullet points.

A Call for Reformation

For years we’ve all been driving around like “noobs”. Gasoline? What is that? We nee to invent a new super car that runs on the INTERNATIONAL FUEL. You know? Love. That right. I say with all this new push to make cars more fuel efficient we give up on gas and turn to love. I can hear the house hold “convo” now.

“Dear. We’re out of love for the car.”

“Dammit Alice. If you weren’t so homely we could drive across the country on one tank of love.”

But I regress

Bike riding: Its not just for Mexicans anymore

Yes. I propose we all take to the streets on those delightful two-wheeled contraptions called Cyle-doos. Or something. Biking is the transportation of the dandy-man. Large steel wheels move in sync with a street grinder playing the jovial tune of “Daisy”. Yes. Its a nifty time to be alive and on the streets. If you’re in a Disney movie, you weirdo.

Stay at home and read a…a…what its called? A book.

What a good time a book can be. You can throw it, eat it, burn it, sell it to you’re handicapped neighbor. There are so many things a book can do for you. So in light of these gas gouging times, grab a good read and transport yourself to a land of fashion and bitchy women…oh wait…I grabbed a copy of “RedBook”

So relax you whining whiner. Oh yeah, that was me

Gas doesnt gouge people. People gouge people. So take these savvy suggestions and you’ll live through this little national dilemma with no worries. And remember, if the gas gets you down, you get down on da gas! Please. Don’t make sense of it. Just roll with it. Oooooooh yeeeeah.

What a Trip

Hi all. Today’s entry is a little different from the usual format. First off the subject matter isn’t the fluff you’re used to. Sorry. Second, today marks the first in what hopes to be a series of podcasts from Duck Duck. So sit back, put your feet up, and listen to the sweet sound of the ocean. Now come back you moron! We’re not by the ocean. You’ve gone crazy. While we wait for the men in white coats to arrive, we’ll listen to this interview

I had the recent opportunity to sit down with a man who’s making quite the epic journey. He’s going from San Fransisco to Boston on foot. That’s right. Foot. Why? You might ask. He’s having people across the country write messages in a notebook he hopes to give to the soon to the president elect in November. Great idea I say. Here’s what he had to say about Operation: Tell the President Something. *

*Not the real name of project. I made it up.

Dreams of NES

We all remember that day. Pulling the large, gray consul out of the box, plugging it in, and beginning life as a “Mario” devotee. Ah, those were the days. Before there were Halo 1,2, or 3, before Wii’s and Cubes and Boxes, there was The Original Nintendo. But we didn’t call it original back then. It was just called friend and bringer of Bowser goodness. What follows is a tribute to the good ol’ days of gaming.

I appreciate the developments in game consuls. I never could have imagined in my childhood that someday they’d make controllers that ‘rumbled’ or games with more than two dimensions (I think Microsoft is working on an 5th dimensional system). But I was happy with what I had. When Super Mario Bro.s 3 came out I don’t think any of us expected the joy it would bring. I spent countless hours battling koopas and rescuing kings. Tonooki suits, pixie wings, and fire power were my weapons against the onslaught of turtles, turtles with wings, turtles with armor, and so forth. It was me and my little Italian plumber against the world. I was always Mario, by the way. Luigi is for n00bs.

I got an N64 for my fourteenth birthday and our old NES went the way of the storage room. Then it was all about the PS and then the X-Box. Now this new generation of gamers have never seen Princess Toadstool or a ’1 Up’ mushroom. Tragic. I think we should all get back to basics and spend a little time with our roots. Find an old Nintendo consul and have at it. It would be like a return to the womb…if you were born a true gamer that is….

The Battle of the Bonds

bond.jpgA long shot down the barrel of a gun. Trumpets blaring out a lively melody. Scantily clad women gyrating about. It can only mean one thing: Bond. James Bond. The Bond franchise has grossed more than any other movie series save Harry Potter (that’s saying a lot taking in to account Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and the ever popular “Ernest” films). What’s made this suave spy so popular over almost five decades? And how has Bond avoided contracting every known STD after sleeping with women from every continent many times over? The latter only science can tell. But his popularity? Let’s talk.

James Bond derives his coolness from one source in my mind; anonymity. Who are Bond’s parents? Who are his siblings? Does he like to watch spy movies when not invovled in international capers? Wikipedia sports a long checklist of Bond facts but the truth of the matter is, the films have stayed mostly clear from giving the protagonist any real depth as an actual human being. This is not a bad thing. If Bond, for instance, had a lifelong struggle to impress a demanding father, do you really think we’d want to watch movie after movie of this drawn out emotional conflict? Not a chance. We want to be thrown into the action and become part of Bond’s mystique for an hour or two and then go back to life without having to wonder if James will make alimony this month or whether or not his Grandma will pull out of pnuemonia. He’s wonderfully two demensional. And we like him that way.

I know in Ian Flemmings’ novels he gives Bond a bit more pathos. I love reading these books to get a little deeper sense of who this shag-happy spy really is. But when it comes to the big screen I want action and I want it now. No “issues” please.

In closing I think the main point at hand has to be this; Moore or Connery. I know there have been other, very well suited Bonds over the years (Pierce Brosnan is dreamy), but for classic “Bond-ness” who wins? I’m a Roger Moore girl myself. He has a sense of regal cunning about him that I love to watch. Sean Connery is charming, but a but too nypho for my taste, if you get what I mean. What think ye? This is an important issue.

Much more, do I dare say, than black or woman…being as that seems to be the only real issue in another current, shall we say “national caper”. (talk about pork-barreling a blog entry!)

Here I am Worm…I Mean World

nothing3.jpg

Well, this is it. The thing I have avoided and mocked since the beginning of blogdom. A blog. My blog. This blog promises to un-inspire and un-activate. I hope it to be nothing more than the ramblings of an un-informed mind. That’s a lot of un’s. I like a lot of things. Not one thing specific will be the focused of this blog save a slight emphasis on film and what our overlords call “pop” culture.

And the the duck? Well, I’ve had a life long respect for our webbed footed friends and believe they will be the catalyst to move our society into a new direction of hope and quaking. And they look so cute when they walk.

So standby for updates and posts and a whole lot of good times.

For me-news, I’m me.