Good morning duck readers. In light of recent economic events, I’ve decided to release my top secret “Operation: Duckonomics” plan. This sure-fire strategy to pulling our nation out of the current “slump” is…sure…fire (I was in trouble about two words into that sentence). So pull up a chair, grab your slide rule and abacus, because its time to get down to business.
Mortgages: Who needs them, really?
Every time I log on to the news it seems the same old thing is happening over and over again. Big lending firm lent too much money, gov’t has to bail them out, presidential candidates flip a coin to see who is going to oppose and support aforementioned bail out. So, I propose the following:
Instead of everyone “owning” homes and lashing the beast of mortgage upon their back, I say-lets all buy islands in the Caribbean and troll out the rest of our days as deep sea bass fishers, or pirates. I know what you’re saying, “how on earth could 6 billion people all buy their own island?”. Oh ye of little faith. If the gov’t has $85 billion to spare on bail outs, then they definitely can afford to move the country’s population off-shore. It would be like Swiss Family Robinson…except this time, no genocide.
Cost of living or cost of dying? You tell me
Another “woe” that has a lot of people taking the plunge and jumping off a building is the ever rising cost of keeping our hides alive. Milk, cheese, gas. All of these so called “necessities” have gone up in price. So what to do? Well, the most cost effective solution in my opinion is to buy a one time dinner at one of those all-you-can-eat buffets and then just keep going back. Think about it; just because you walk out of the restaurant doesn’t mean you’ve had all you can eat. Tomorrow you’ll be just as hungry. Save your receipt and when someone questions about it, just point to where it says all you can eat on the sign outside. Mumble something (with mouth full, of course) about how you haven’t finished your meal, and might not for say, six or seven months. Even a Supreme Court justice couldn’t argue with that logic. Not even that smug Scalia.
News is for N00bs
Finally friends, the best way to steer your self clear of this so called “economic crisis” is to ignore its existence. John McCain does it, and you can too. Switch off the TV when they start talking about all that stock-dropping, bank-foreclosing, people-living-in-the-streets propaganda. They just want to pull at your heart strings so you’ll donate to their next Tell-a-Thon. Really. The less you know, the better off you are. Just look at Jesse Jackson. He’s been living that mantra for years and he’s a famous…something.
Worry not about the economy. Its sure isn’t worrying about you. So next time you see the economy on the street, just stick out your tongue and keep moving. Its about time we showed that elitist jerk who’s in control.