• Organic Mattress
• Life Coach
• Drug-Free Birth (the phrase…not the actual event)
• Bi-Partisan
• Climate Change (the phrase…not the actual meteorological events it describes)
• BPA Free
• Free Range
• @(name) when not on Twitter
• Free Thinking (as used in the context of disagreeing with something…this does not make you a ‘free thinker’)
• OMGosh (I’ve seen this…too many times)
• Tablet
• Elimination Communication
• Modge Podge (I’ve always called it Decoupage…and then the hipsters got a hold of it…)
• Fat Free Ranch Dressing
• Zeitgeist (when used out of context…which is about the only way I hear it used..)
• Islamic (that one’s for Dan…I think it’s a real word)
• Agenda (especially when preceded by the words homosexual, liberal, right-wing, or Sesame Street)
• Empowered (think about it…it’s a phrase only used to patronize women.)
• Socialist
• Mani-pedi
• Intervention-free
• Vegan
• Must-see
• Frak
• Luddite

Tell me you don’t see it. Go ahead.

Jones: Jennifer, you just won an Academy award for your gripping role in the film “Cancer Tree”. This has been considered to be your breakout role. How did you feel when your name was announced Sunday night?

Marks: It was surreal Darrish. I really can’t describe the feeling of walking up to that stage, taking that little gold man in my hands and looking out at the audience. I really was standing on the shoulders of giants, you know?

Jones: Your role as Marva Lychter in this hard-to-watch saga was really quite amazing. Tell me how you prepared for this undertaking.

Marks: Well, I had to loose a lot of weight. That was tough. And I had to figure out how to walk in 4 inch heels. I’ve never been good with tall shoes before.

Jones: I don’t remember seeing you in heels in the movie. Were those scenes cut from the final version?

Marks: No no. I had to learn to walk in heels for the premiers and openings. This movie was really well received and I had to go to a million showings and screenings. The red carpet walks were always longer than I thought. I really had to focus and stay on my game so I wouldn’t fall over in all those pairs of heels!

Jones: I see. Well, how did you prepare for you role in the movie…in “Cancer Tree”?

Marks: I don’t understand the question. You mean how did I prepare to promote the movie…or to talk about it on TV?

Jones: Uh, no. How did you prepare for your acting. What did you do to get in character every day. How did you become Marva?

Marks: Oh, I wasn’t actually in the movie. They just used stock footage from a data base and spliced it all together to get someone who looked pretty close to me. I’m blond, we all kinda look the same.

Jones: You mean, you were’t actually in the film?

Marks: Well, I was on set everyday. It took about 4 days of solid stand-in filming, for the scenes where I’m walking away or have my back to the camera. We couldn’t find any stock footage of that. So I am in the film, at some points.

Jones: But…what about the footage they showed at the Oscars. It was a clip of the movie they showed right before you won. What was that?

Marks: Oh, that was just stock footage of a blond woman crying into her hands. That’s all that really happens in the movie anyway. Its pretty much just two hours of a blond woman crying into her hands.

Jones: Is this a common practice? Do many movies use stock footage like this?

Marks: Oh yes, in fact, pretty much all of the movie “Transformers” was just old b-roll commercial footage of a woman who looked something like Megan Fox humping a motor cycle. They spliced it in with a few fair-use shots of semi trucks down shifting on the freeway.

Jones: I had no idea.

Marks: Yeah, the old film makers used to actually spend weeks, sometimes even months filming the movies with the same actresses and actors. Can you imagine that?! I really can’t imagine being on set for more than a few days. I have way too much to do with promos, appearances, and paparazzi run-ins. I don’t have time to actually act.

Jones:  I guess that would be time consuming. Have all your films been made like this?

Marks: Yeah, pretty much. I did appear in quite a bit of my film “Running With the Donkeys” but I left halfway through filming to go work on a commercial for Rice-a-Roni.

Jones: Well, then. Here’s to many more spliced-in Oscar wins. Best of luck to you in all your future endeavors.

Marks: Thank you Darrish. I have to run now to a Starbucks where I have to pretend to get in a fight with my pretend actor boyfriend. Nice talking to you!

Jones: Likewise.

Any suggestions on how???? (I’m thinking Best Costume design…because of that play I did the props for in high school…the one with the capes…)

Speaker: ALOOOHA!

Congregation: Aloha

Speaker: NO! I SAID ALOOOOOOOOOOOOHA!

Congregation: ALOHA

And so forth. So last Sunday I was sitting in Sacrament meeting by myself (I had to go to an earlier ward due to baby sickness) and the speaker got up and said “Buenos Dias!”. The lady sitting next to me (who pretty much hadn’t stopped talking since I sat down) leaned over to me and said, “I like it better when they say ALOHA! It wakes everyone up when we have to say it back”.

I could only nod, smile, and wish that Dan had been there.

That list was created at a time in my life when I thought I would live the kind of existence where plants and running would be the pinnacle of  achievement. My goals were simple and somewhat drab. Now that I’ve been home and worldly-ized, I’ve updated my “bucket list” and would like to share it…now.

• See the following bands live:

-Depeche Mode

-U2

-The Violent Femmes (do they still exist?)

-Astronautalis

-REM

-Amy Winehouse

• Shake hands with Tina Fey (and possibly smell her hair…)
• Learn how to make really good home made bread
• Sew a dress…that I will actually wear.
• Swim off the coast of Puerto Rico
• Visit M5
• Shoot an automatic machine gun
• Memorize all the words to “The Raven” (I’m half way there)
• Eat authentic paella (again)
• Own a nice set of kitchen shearers
• Milk a goat (again)
• Write something that gets made into a movie, short film, high school student project, or home video.
• Teach my children to say “D’oh!” when they bonks their head (working on it)
• Actually read all of “Crime and Punishment” instead of just telling people I did.
• Learn how to juggle
• Learn how to use chop sticks (I’ve tried, oh how I’ve tried)
• Learn how to do stained glass windows
• Live somewhere near the ocean
• Visit Thailand
• Make the world a better place (In honesty I don’t care but I feel like I should put that)

There it is. My updated Things to Do Before I Kick It list. What’s on yours? Close your eyes and think about it now.