I listened to a talk last night by some senator from some looser state. Everything he said the audience would repeat about 15 times.

“We don’t want four more years! We want four more months!” To which the rest of the assembly would chant “Four more months! Four more months!”. I half expected him to call up a quadrapalegic man to heal or something. Group mentality is a funny thing.

I expect no less from our GOP friends next week. I can hear it now: “we don’t want four more years with Nancy Palosi! We want four more minutes!” To which the crowd would shout, “Bore more midgets! We mean…four more minutes!”. Next up: cats will be sacrificed on an altar to ensure a good fiscal year.

So whatever your cultish leanings (I support the independent cult…at least they kill thier Indians before they rip out their hearts and feed them to Galimah) remember that a political convention can be just the thing to get your conformist urges out of your system. Then its on to the actual elections…which may be called off if Shabat the raman god of harvest is not summoned before the rainy season.

Screech, Zack, and Kelly Kapowski…my first best friends

I was a young girl of around 10 when SBTB hit the tubes. I clung to my new found cellular social network like gays to Dorothy.  Now when I watch it it makes me giggle at how young everyone looks. When I was a kid Zack was the height of my girlish fancy. Now he looks like he could be taking my order at the local McDonalds…how perspective changes. Screech, however, lives on as a cultural certainty. No matter how much time passes, he’ll always be a legend. His cracky voice will never drop and his 90s fro is permanently perched atop his narrow head.

Where are they now??

My significant other (I’m not gay) pointed out the irony that the most attractive girl in the show, Kelly, went on to craptacular 90210 while Jesse later starred in the hit soft core “Showgirls”. Zack now looks like an Italian mail-man. See:

http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0022592/

And Slater? That slick latin lover with a thick main and silver tongue? Where could he be? Ah, well. His most recent made for TV movie is called “Husband for Hire”. This the first movie he’s done in a bit after a load of primetime stunts and the ever exiting “Mario Lopez Workout Video”.

So to say the least, our friends from ‘The Bell’ havn’t gone terribly far since the good ol’ days of harrassing Mr. Belding…and breaking a lot of hearts. Lets hope this new genreation of TV watchers can be educated on the classics…if not, this treasure could live as no more than a memory to us old guys in the halls of television infamy (infamous…it means all of those things).

For the last seven (count ‘em SEVEN) years I’ve been a student at an institute of high learning. My educational career came to a close Friday as I donned that terrible cap and barge-looking gown and took the long walk across the stage. As I sat there listening to the platitudes of the whole ceremony, I pondered on what exactly I learned at this “think factory”. Here’s a short run down of life lessons I will take from my college days.

Don’t Bother Beating The System…It Will Always Beat You Back

There are many anomalies associated with studying at a university. One such oddity is the hoops one has to jump through to accomplish anything. When I started at school, I had the grandiose hope of making a difference, rattling a few cages and hopefully leaving my mark in the annals (yes, I said annals) of academia. But, I soon leaned that making a difference is only a nice phrase Red Cross commercials play to get you to donate blood. No matter how hard I tried to shake things up, it always came down to this: GRADE OR DIE.

It didn’t matter if I didn’t agree with a professor or had no desire to take a certain required class. It sickened me to see classmate after classmate sacrificing life and limb for The A. I cared about my grades about as much as I cared about what I was studying. If the subject was relevant to my life, then achieve I did. If, as in the example of my last semester as a college student, it was some inane general class, then up yours academia! But in the end I only stabbed myself in the foot because, due to my inate desire to learn something as opposed to regurgitate useless factoids, it took me an extra year to graduate. Woo hoo.

Don’t Kid Yourself With Lofty Ideals: A University is a Business Like Any Other

I realized, late into my academic career, that I was being had. Now, the school I attended is cheaper than most-I’ll give it that-but its a business. Universtiy are out to get $$$. Its not necessarily a bad thing. The football team needs new uniforms? Up the tuition. The business school’s dean needs a new boat? Raise fees for registration.

And the biggest cash cow??? PARKING. Yep. Nobody cares where you park. Really. What they admin cares about is that you park illegally so you end up having to pay for it. I actually saw on numerous occasions parking nazis wait for a person to park illegally and leave so they could run over and write a ticket. No bother just telling the person to move. Nope. $$$

Anyway, this was definetly a rant. At least I memorized my social security number at college. That was a bonus. And I’m sure in ten years or so I’ll stop swearing politely at the alumni people when they call for the last bit of my money. Armed now with my extremly lucrative Humanities degree I’m ready to head out there and face the world.

Take Bumblelion. You guessed it; half lion, half bumble bee. And Moosel-not a jewish bread seller, but a half moose/half harp seal. This cartoon was awesome. So take a minute out of your hum-drum day and partake of some 80s goodness.

The only cartoon to ever champion multiple personalities. Yay!

Academy Awards Used to be a Thing of Honor

I know its WAAAAY old news to be talking about Gore’s academy award for…whatever it was. I think the specific category was Dueshe Bag Of The Year…or something. It used to mean something to hold that little gold guy and blubber about the Academy and all that jazz. But now I guess you just have to be on Leo DiCaprio’s “Green List” to get get a nod. What a joke. That song that Melissa Ethridge sang too was enough to make me renounce Christianity and go on a baby-poisoning spree. (If that comes up on the front page tomorrow it was NOT me.) In short, his movie was lame and I should have got an academy last year instead for my touching documentary: Fluffy Gets Spayed and Other Animal Adventures.

Gore Worship Has Gone a Bit Too Far

Now, I can understand why the wacky-tabacy enviro-nuts love this guys. Its like in Star Wars when we find out Vader is really just an old, bald guy with a harmonica. When Gore went green a few decades back he became the black avenger. The only one in the extreme green crowd that didn’t have dreds and like to smoke peyote…at family reunions. Now, I’m as much as an environmentalist as the next guy. I recycle when I can, I try to bike as much as possible, and I never let my dog release methane when we’re outside. I also don’t buy into any pre-determined political party.

But I look at some people, on either side and how they revere Gore and I kinda want to puke CO2 all day. He’s not that great. He drives and ESCALADE people. The car of the ghetto thug. Is this the man you want leading you into greener pastures? I mean, c’mon! His wife’s name is Tipper for crying out loud!!! He said on national television that he invented the Internet! And worst of all he looks like a ball point pen. Look again. You’ll see it.

You Even Won Over Wiki You Bastard

My last battle with this man comes in a discovery I made this morning. Now, Wikipedia is supposed to be a champion of objectivity. Its supposed to give unbiased information in the form of publicly edited articles. So I would like all of you to just look, just take a gander-loo at this wiki article I read:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al_Gore_and_the_environment

Please tell me you see what I see. Usually Wikipedia gives at least one section to discuss controversy or dissent of any political or international figure. But here, nada. A little paragraph about his monstrosity of a house but its padded with all sorts of quick defense and Gore-patting. I mean, wiki has three paragraphs outlining Gandhi’s more criticized actions. GANHDI!!! The man who sindle handledly ousted tea parties from India. And he get more critisism in his wiki article than Al Gore? Its a sick world we live in.

Anyway. I’m sure you’re all wondering why I wrote all this. I just get sick sometimes of people following popular political mongoloids just because they spout greenist doctrine. I think we need to be careful with our environment. But there is a flip side to everything. I just read an article that says CO2 emissions have actually cut down tremendously on deaths due to extreme weather. So be it true or not at least Gore might have a little push back coming his way from people that are sick of his platform. The End.

I’m talking, of course, about what I call “hobo-phobia”. That’s right people. We need to fear this county’s homeless transients like they had leprosy. I say we form groups to ban hobo marriages, hobo adoptions, and hobo parades. Can you imagine the spectacle if three thousand vagrants marched the streets of San Fransisco with “pride” in who they were? Sheer lunacy.

We need to combat hobo-phobia with an all out media campaign. Billboards showing the danger of associating with hobos need to come up in all our cities. We need to produce commercials to raise awareness of hobo carrying diseases like rabies and mange. This is an epidemic people. Now is the time to act.

In closing my I advise you to look for hobo traits in your children. Hoboism can start young. If your son shows a particular interest in box cars, sit him down and make him read an copy of the Wall Street Journal. If your daughter wants to use “chew” make her eat a whole box of Pepperidge cookies. Protect yourself and your family against this social epidemic. It can come from any where.

A Call for Reformation

For years we’ve all been driving around like “noobs”. Gasoline? What is that? We nee to invent a new super car that runs on the INTERNATIONAL FUEL. You know? Love. That right. I say with all this new push to make cars more fuel efficient we give up on gas and turn to love. I can hear the house hold “convo” now.

“Dear. We’re out of love for the car.”

“Dammit Alice. If you weren’t so homely we could drive across the country on one tank of love.”

But I regress

Bike riding: Its not just for Mexicans anymore

Yes. I propose we all take to the streets on those delightful two-wheeled contraptions called Cyle-doos. Or something. Biking is the transportation of the dandy-man. Large steel wheels move in sync with a street grinder playing the jovial tune of “Daisy”. Yes. Its a nifty time to be alive and on the streets. If you’re in a Disney movie, you weirdo.

Stay at home and read a…a…what its called? A book.

What a good time a book can be. You can throw it, eat it, burn it, sell it to you’re handicapped neighbor. There are so many things a book can do for you. So in light of these gas gouging times, grab a good read and transport yourself to a land of fashion and bitchy women…oh wait…I grabbed a copy of “RedBook”

So relax you whining whiner. Oh yeah, that was me

Gas doesnt gouge people. People gouge people. So take these savvy suggestions and you’ll live through this little national dilemma with no worries. And remember, if the gas gets you down, you get down on da gas! Please. Don’t make sense of it. Just roll with it. Oooooooh yeeeeah.

We have all been at the mercy for months now of oil investors and high gas prices. I AM DONE BEING THE STOOGE TO THEIR…STOOGE-NESS!!! Its time the American people spoke up. Read the following and UNDERSTAND IT. Please:

http://hsgac.senate.gov/public/_files/052008Masters.pdf

Because oil speculation is so out of wack, we’re all suffering at the pumps. But I’m done sitting this one out. Here’s what I propose:

A protest!!! A real, organized, “I’m an American Citizen wielding my rights to not get screwed” PROTEST. I shall call my band CRAAPP, or Citizens Really Angry About Pretroleum Prices.

ARE YOU WITH ME? I want to get a group together as soon as next weekend to protest up at the Utah State Capital. Read that paper. There’s a legal loophole that the government is doing NOTHING about and that oil speculators or reaping BILLIONS from. I LIKE CAPS!!!!!

Let me know people. We need to get up and do something. I’m done with whining at my poor husband.

I started off ok and was all pumped to run my little heart out. Then it got hot, I got tired, and hope looked lost. But on I pressed and I was in the zone. And after about a half hour I thought maybe my goal (at least 5 miles) would be obtainable.

Then it hit me: it doesn’t matter how long I run. Or how far or how hard. BECAUSE, and here’s the sick thing, I’ll just have to do it again tomorrow anyway! Go to hell, running! You can’t bank exercise. So no matter how long I run or how many stupid calories I burn…I’ll just have to do it again later. 

So I gave up after 4 miles and went home to eat a bag of fried potato goodness. If I can’t bank running, at least I can bank fat.

the end

“BYU Math Teaching Assistants called BYU police to report a male student who had repeatedly threatened them. The student said he would pull out a female TA’s hair with duct tape and would stab another TA’s foot with a thumb drive to infect him with a deadly virus. BYU police are questioning the individual.”

“Stab his foot with a thumb drive”???? That’s good stuff.