…he’s call it:

“Wok the Line”

or

“A Boy Named Sushi”

or

“Peking of Fire”

Get it!? Get it???? Oh MAN! Its Friday!!!!

The other day I was driving down the freeway when suddenly it occurred to me; what if I was in an action movie right now? What if my whole life was an action movie? At any moment semis full of radioactive waste could come hurdling towards me at faster-than-light speeds.

This got me to thinking. If I’m in an action movie…then I need to figure out if I’m an expendable extra or a main character. Expendable extras die right off the bat and usually expire in large numbers. They are faceless and add little to no emotional energy to the rest of the movie.

On the other hand are the main characters. They usually live through the whole movie (unless they’re evil) and survive events that seem to pulverize everyone else around them. Even main characters with no previous crisis training make it through alive.

So what then separates the main characters from the extras? DIALOGUE. That’s it. Dialogue. The more you hear someone talk in a movie, the higher chance that person has of surviving earthquakes, fires, zombies, flesh-eating werewolves, Alan Rickman and Orcs. No dialogue means speedy death for sure.

It is for this reason I have taken to yelling movie cliches at any given time now while I am driving alone. “I’M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS ***CRAP**” or “OH NO YOU DI-UH” are personal favorites. The more hokey or cliche the better. I figure, the more I can put myself in the main front of this action movie, the better chance I have of not getting burned alive, frozen to death, eaten by wild dogs, or stabbed by a T-1000.

I’d recommend this strategy to any one who wants to survive their own action movie. You never know what live may throw at you. Be ready with a great quip like “HASTA LA VISTA, BABY”. (This one is especially helpful if you have zombie babies chasing you.)

A few weeks ago I was sauntering down Provo Center Street, or as I like to call it “Rue de MLM and Homeless Men”.  As I approached University Ave and Center Street what to my wondering eyes should appear but a tea-party rally, and eight tiny reindeer (k-not that last part, but I had to keep the flow). I watched as they megaphoned and rallied, as they cheered and jeered, and as they bounced signs and talked about the ‘injustices promoted by the Anti-Christ in office’ and all that. And it got me to thinking.

In our day and age with the amount of cynicism and conflict we have within our own government, I think something as over-played as a PAC rally with picket signs and yelling white guys might not be getting the attention it adequately deserves. So…I would like to nominate myself as the new branding manager of the tea party movement. And my first change? It will now be called THE MR. T PARTY.

Can you see it now? Heavily necklaced large black men would barge into grocery stores and restaurants and really get in people’s faces with their conservative message. “YOU EATING THAT DOUBLE BACON CHEESE BURGER FOO? BECAUSE YOU’D BETTER THINK ABOUT WHAT YOUR RECKLESS FOOD SPENDING IS DOING TO OUR NATIONAL FAST FOOD DEFICIT!”

I really think people would sit up and listen more. I mean, who would you pay attention to? A middle aged white woman yelling about the evils of universal health care? Or an army of Mr. Ts beating the hell out of death panels and liberal Supreme Court nominees? I know where my support would lie…

So put my name in the hat and lets work to reform the tea-party movement. Because I pity the foo who wants to raise taxes on non-green initiative housing projects.

So…a few weeks ago I was browsing at my local Target store and came across a t-shirt that piqued my interest. You see, I love being a mom, but I was feeling, on that particular day, a bit overly puked on, underly slept, and over-all like the most un-edgy person on the face of Mother Earth. So I bought a shirt with a large skull and cross bones on it. It was hot pink. I felt devious and groove-backy.

Yesterday I was out in public, sporting my rebel-without-a-cause t-shirt and feeling very hip and cutting edge. A young boy about the age of ten came up to me and said, “that’s a really cool pirate shirt!”.

Ahhh…the irony was delicious. I was trying to be edgy…and the kid thought I was wearing the latest in Jonny Depp wanna-be fashion. Failblog.me.

when I pass a car that’s broken down on the side of the road. But then I pretend like I’m in a road rally and think “Haha! I’m winning!”.

Ok…just…give me a minute to stop laughing at myself over that title….ohhhhh man. Tail of woe. Cuz….the dog has a tail! I kill me.

Anyway,  with the birth of our baby has come what may be the death of our dog…’s time at our house. This is, of course, causing me some great anguish. You non-doggies won’t get this but anyone who has had a furry friend (I’m not talking about that weird fetish) will understand when I say I tear up at the mention of her dismissal from our home.

Indi (dog) is a border collie. As such, she is pretty intelligent. As such as well, she is very manipulative. Because of her more cerebral qualities I’ve come up with a few alternatives to her fate other than just selling her to the hot dog making company (as their mascot, I assume).  Here are a few of my ideas for Indi’s next place of residence.

• She should be hired to fix the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Why? Because I’ve seen this dog eat an entire bottle of Tabasco sauce. She is no-nonsense and an incredible problem solver. How did she solve the Tabasco Fiasco? By causing herself massive amounts of searing…poopies. She literally rocketed herself across the lawn with those squirts. If she can figure out how to get rid of massive amount of hot sauce that quickly, she should have no problem getting rid of a little oil…

• Indi needs a job where she can run around a lot. For this I see her procuring gainful employment as a U.S. senator. Senator Indi she shall be called and will be heralded as the first Canine-America in congress. Where does the running come in? We’ll get Joe Biden to throw her ball during the congressional sessions. This way, dog get exercise and the nation can rest assured that it’s VP is distracted for ten seconds while it tries to regain some dignity…

• Indi goes commando. Meaning, she doesn’t wear underwear. Naw, I’m just kidding with you. She’ll wear some. While she runs after Columbian drug smugglers in the Amazon rainforest. Yeah! That’s right. My dog is a drug runner.

• Lastly, I see Indi in a place where she can really put her mind to work. For this reason I have recently submitted her name to work at NASA. I think she could really do wonders to further along the space discovery program…thing. Wait…what? They want to shut NASA down? Ok…that makes sense…President Obama…or should I say…President Barishnakov? (That probably only makes sense if you were conscious during the Cold War..)

I’m going to make pajamas for the asians. I will call them…Japamas….or….Pajapanese.  Now I just need a good business model to show off my creations…..anyone know an available Japanese one?

George Washington summed up pretty much everything I feel about politics in his farewell address. Here’s a quote:

“However [political parties] may now and then answer popular ends, they are likely in the course of time and things, to become potent engines, by which cunning, ambitious, and unprincipled men will be enabled to subvert the power of the people and to usurp for themselves the reins of government, destroying afterwards the very engines which have lifted them to unjust dominion.”

When I went to vote in the last presidential election I was aghast to see that Utah has a straight party ballot option. This means a person can check a box and vote for every republican or democratic candidate without having the slightest clue what each runner really stands for. I think this type of voter irresponsibility is exactly what Washington was warning against when he left office.  Political parties have divided the nation so catastrophically that the majority of American voters and politicians have lost sight of what it really means to stand for something.

Here’s an example of what I mean. If I say, “I’m really for government regulation of large corporations” you say, “she must be a scuuuurvy liberal democrat”. If I say, “I think unborn fetuses have rights and abortion should be heavily limited legally” you say, “Argh, a conservative republican”. Truth be told I agree with both statements. And I *gasp* am not (nor will I ever be) affiliated with any political party.

The problem with polarizing political parties is just what Washington warned against so many years ago; leaders of political parties use their power to divide voters with silly jargon and non-issues and wield immense political prowess. People forget that they are working for the greater good of the country and throw all their support behind a party. These parties distract people from real issues and instead waste time and energy fighting against each other.

Politics have really become nothing more that an elaborate sports game. You have your cheerleaders, your star players, your referees and of course, your die hard fans. The silly thing about sports, though, is your team will loose sometimes and win sometimes, no matter what you do.  The democrats will win, the republicans will win. But in the end…what really has been accomplished?

To further illustrate this point I refer to a recent documentary about Micheal Moore’s appearance at Utah Valley University called “This Divided State”. The film contains footage of both Moore and his conservative counterpart Sean Hannity’s visit to the campus. Both engage the crowd in game-like chanting and booing. Sean Hannity mocked the “liberals” with embarrassing child-like taunts. Micheal Moore wasn’t much better with his blind Bush bashing and anti-war chants.

So what is the solution you ask? I really think we need to support more third party options. If the American public can send a loud message to the divisive and megalo-maniacal party leaders with their votes and get some really good, level headed third party candidates elected then I think we have a start. Election reform would also move us in the right direction.

But…I don’t think any of that will happen. So I’ll just keep on researching candidates and aligning myself with whomever makes the most sense. Or I’ll just keep on voting for cartoon characters like I did in the last presidential election when I wrote in Donald Duck. Now there’s a man I can get behind.

(The Academy would like to thank Dan for making this post possible…)