On a recent trip to Disneyland, the most magical place on earth, we found this sign

Holy cheese and crackers Batman!! They’ve finally done it.  Disney Corp has found a way to by-pass God and create their own miracles! For the low low price of a $93 admissions ticket you too can be healed. All your wheel-chair problems will vanish like pixie dust if you can hawk it to come in to the park.  So come one come all to the amazing anti-paralysis line found only in one magic spot in the park. We won’t tell you where, but maps are only $70 a piece.

Hi all. Today’s entry is a little different from the usual format. First off the subject matter isn’t the fluff you’re used to. Sorry. Second, today marks the first in what hopes to be a series of podcasts from Duck Duck. So sit back, put your feet up, and listen to the sweet sound of the ocean. Now come back you moron! We’re not by the ocean. You’ve gone crazy. While we wait for the men in white coats to arrive, we’ll listen to this interview

I had the recent opportunity to sit down with a man who’s making quite the epic journey. He’s going from San Fransisco to Boston on foot. That’s right. Foot. Why? You might ask. He’s having people across the country write messages in a notebook he hopes to give to the soon to the president elect in November. Great idea I say. Here’s what he had to say about Operation: Tell the President Something. *

*Not the real name of project. I made it up.

 

 Interview with BJ Hill: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

This last week I went on a “Dark Night” spree. Tuesday it was the original “Batman” movie with Jack Nicholson. Wednesday it was “Batman Begins”. A week or so ago my husband introduced me to a classic cartoon called “Batman Beyond”. So why the sudden surge in winged watchings? With the upcoming Batman release and an ever increasing crime rate, I feel it necessary to return to the roots of the super hero. Batman is one spandex sporter who will stand against the ages. He is….Batman

In the Beginning

Batman is timeless. He was born in the brain of Bob Kane and Bill Finger (awesome name) in 1939. These two men, commissioned after the success of Spiderman in 1938, had the task of creating America’s first non homosexual super hero. Batman was all man. Even during the Adam West years when Batman danced and had a rather prolific arsenal of onomatopoeia he was still “the man”. Bat gear made him macho and as of yet no skulking girls have got in his way.

The Legend Continues

Batman is the James Bond of the super hero world. He’s sleek, he’s ruthless, and he’s all powerful. What finally gets the Dark Knight’s goat, so the legend goes, is a battle with a dastard in which Batman actually uses a hand gun. The caped avenger is deflated only when he sinks to the level of us: the level of everyday street crime.At the dawn of the new movie in May, may we all remember the legend of “The Bat” by stuffing our face with loads of greasy popcorn with dozens of young and upcoming batlings. Til next time: I’m….not Batman.

It has come to my attention that we have a political bias in our midst! Can you believe it??? Someone has an opinion! And its not Anne Coulter. PWND. So Microsoft Word-a lovely little word processor-apparently has a strong slant for the demo-woman-candidate lady. Yes, that vague reference would be Hillary Clinton.

Now, if you type in her name in pretty much any word processor (we’ll focus on Microsoft for the sake of demonization) you’ll clearly see that her name is registered in the system’s “spell check” Now type in Barack Obama. You see? Red lines. This is a clear move by the nations largest software company (I think its the largest…not going to look it up) to give Hillary a better chance at being spelled correctly by college students. Check it out:

As you see, Obama’s name, according to Microsoft, doesn’t exist. This is clearly a stab at Obama, an attempt to show him as a crazy, loony, rich, fluffy-pants-wearing, spoon sucking elitist. If you try to look Obama up in spell check he becomes either “Barrack Boatman” or “Barracks Bam”.

So all hail to future president Bam.

Ok-so I didn’t come up with that title on my own. But man did it make me chuckle…and think. At the same time. Uncomfortable. Anyway. There are so many categories we put music in. Emo, Emo-punk, punk, indie, indie emo punk, and so forth. I got to thinking: with so many genres in the music “biz”, as they say, how can we make sure we pigeon hole our songs correctly? Here’s a guide to music categorization for the layman and lay w0-man. Understand I wrote the entire thing from my own cerebral resources. Non of this is official, documented, or probably even factual. Enjoy.

EMO

The genre for today’s skinny-jean wearing bleak-tivist. To be honest the only thing I really know about emo at all is that emo people wear skinny jeans and are prone to self poking. As far as music…I’m pretty sure Death Cab for Cutie falls into this group. I think its because their name comes from a Beatles movie and emos LOVE the Beatles. Yes. That must be it

Indie

This genre is th one that confuses me most of all. I hear the term tossed around mostly to mean “music that nobody but me has heard of so I’m cooler than you”. I just listened to a never before released version of the Kool-Aid jingle. Does that make it Indie? Probably. The word itself creates problems in my brain. It comes, I’m assuming, from the word “independent” but there is nothing independent about the music. An indie film is one not produced by a studio, usually low budget, and watched mostly by “emos” (Ooooo…a cross genre pollination!). But indie music is produced in a studio by a record label. Maybe the band members “go commando” while recording. That would be independent. Ew.

Punk

My favorite genre because its so ambiguous. I was in the car the other day listening to “The Pixies” (awesomeness) and then turned on the radio and heard a Blink 182 song. Very different styles. Both “punk rock” indeed, but completely varying sides of the music coin. The Pixies, in my very uninformed opinion, were the original punkers. Since them no one has come close to capturing the true spirit of taking off your shirt, diving into crowd of wild kids, and being trampled to death. Pure Punk.

I’m sure people much smarter than me (it should be “I” but what the hell) could give all sorts of defining reasons each song and band falls into the category the record label or the listener gives it. But I just say: listen to what you like and let the genre worry about itself. Unless its county. Then we must all run. Run far far away. The end.

This is Pixies at their best. I was at this reunion concert in Palm Springs. So great.

We all remember that day. Pulling the large, gray consul out of the box, plugging it in, and beginning life as a “Mario” devotee. Ah, those were the days. Before there were Halo 1,2, or 3, before Wii’s and Cubes and Boxes, there was The Original Nintendo. But we didn’t call it original back then. It was just called friend and bringer of Bowser goodness. What follows is a tribute to the good ol’ days of gaming.

I appreciate the developments in game consuls. I never could have imagined in my childhood that someday they’d make controllers that ‘rumbled’ or games with more than two dimensions (I think Microsoft is working on an 5th dimensional system). But I was happy with what I had. When Super Mario Bro.s 3 came out I don’t think any of us expected the joy it would bring. I spent countless hours battling koopas and rescuing kings. Tonooki suits, pixie wings, and fire power were my weapons against the onslaught of turtles, turtles with wings, turtles with armor, and so forth. It was me and my little Italian plumber against the world. I was always Mario, by the way. Luigi is for n00bs.

I got an N64 for my fourteenth birthday and our old NES went the way of the storage room. Then it was all about the PS and then the X-Box. Now this new generation of gamers have never seen Princess Toadstool or a ‘1 Up’ mushroom. Tragic. I think we should all get back to basics and spend a little time with our roots. Find an old Nintendo consul and have at it. It would be like a return to the womb…if you were born a true gamer that is….

Wow. Its amazing what a movie can do. Last night I watched “Office Space” for the first time. It was like a beautiful drug that settled into my psychosis and made me feel like I had an ally in the corporate world. This movie is pure genius. Not just for its comic value but for its really pretty original message: screw money and do what you want. I think everyone who works in a cubicle needs to not only watch this movie but get it into their system and memorize its dogma. Allow me to wax boring for a minute.

Why Should we fight the system if the system works?

Peter, the film’s main character, becomes at one with himself due to a botched hypnotherapy session. Because of this new found mental peace, he’s able to, in essence, give his job the finger and do what he’s always wanted; nothing. Now, many corporate goons would say that doing nothing is not only a ridiculous pursuit but a detriment to the system because it costs money to do nothing. As I watched “Office Space” and thought about our society, I thought maybe this guy Peter is the only sane one among us…in a cinematically abstract way being as he actually doesn’t exists in real life at all. But his mantra is one that makes sense to me.

Making the Most of a “Learning Experience”

I’ve spent the last little while working in a cubicle on the “business” end of the workforce (a first for this liberal arts major who spent more time mocking the accounting majors than actually studying for her finance test). Its amazing to me how much people will do to make money. I guess the main drive for so many isn’t just to make money but to make lots of money. Then they can buy more ‘things’. In the words of Tyler Durden “The things you own end up owning you.” So what’s the end result? You spend your life making money to buy things so you can fill the rest of your life taking care of the things you own.

Now Go and Do Likewise

Ah, hail to “Office Space”. This movie should be virally installed on every computer in every gray office complex in America. Ironically the people who built the computer on which I am writing probably sat for hours in an oppressive 4×4 cubby hole wondering how to make a better lap top for me to use. Thank you! I guess what is comes down to is what I see as the core of Peter’s message: do what you like, no matter what the cost…or lack of cost. We may not all have the luxury to do what we want for a living but at least we need to remember that there’s a lot more to this life thing than a bunch of furniture and time shares. The end. Watch “Office Space”.

We should all do this at least once in our lives *language warning*

I have a confession to make. I hate Quintin Tarantino. There. I said it. With that out of the way, may my next few thoughts not be hindered by my previously stated feelings. This weekend I watched a movie I’ve been meaning to get around to for years: “Kill Bill”. So, here goes my diatribe on this wildly acclaimed blood bath.

I hesitate almost to write about “Kill Bill”. I know its probably an amazing movie. More likely than not I’m just not cool enough to understand the real depth of cinematic creation that went into the making of this film. I’m sure people much “hipper” than me like and watch this movie on a regular basis. And I guess I can just say; “give me my Care Bears and fluffy bunnies”. I’ve had all the carnage I can take for a few weeks…days…or until I go outside and find someone has trampled my flowers.

What the..???

So, for a long time now every one I know has told me, “oh, the violence in this movie is really not bad. Its more like cartoon violence.” I have two things to say about that; 1) Were they on peyote when they saw it? and 2) What kind of creeped-out cartoons did they watch as a kid?. It’s not that I’m girly or anti-violence. I herald cinematic gore at some level in movies. “No Country For Old Men”, as it was put by a friend, was elegantly brutal. I’m a big fan of “Black Hawk Down”, “Terminator”, “Matrix”, and other such bloody fares. I even really enjoyed “Sweeny Todd”, (my husband says it’s because I had my eyed closed for 2/3 of the movie) and would watch “Fight Club” any day of the week. My beef with “Kill Bill” is that it tried so hard to be violent.

In true Tarantino style it goes above any beyond to make carnage the main driving point of the movie. Scene after scene of bloody battling did nothing really to further the plot or tell the story. I wanted character development, motivation, pathos. Instead is was scalpings, bludgeonings, stabbings, and a lot of rather comical dismemberments (which I grant might have been Tarantino’s drive-the comic tone of the film.) I’m all for craziness, if it has a point eventually. Now I know what you’re saying, “but you didn’t watch V. 2.”. True as that may be, I’d rather form my opinions from part of wholes, like a certain candidate we shall call J. McCain. No, too obvious. We shall call him John M. Yes. Anyway…

Ok, I’ll Give You This

I hate to rant in my blogs. In my mind, film is art and all of it makes an effective statement at some level. I did think the art direction in “Kill Bill” was stunning. And Uma Thurman was amazingly convincing. I guess it comes back to my original hatred of Tarantino really. It began many years ago when I saw “True Romance” and has carried now into an almost irrational disdain for anything associated with him or his movies. Like getting scalped or stabbed in the eye. Call me crazy. But if you do, I may just go postal and take you down Asian style with a million dollar Katana and a yellow stretchy suit. Be warned.

I could stop this entry now and just leave it at the title. I know it seems a day late and a dollar short to be talking about a movie that’s already dollar theater fodder but I thought this one deserved a nod. To be honest, “Cloverfield” had so much viral marketing I almost didn’t want to see it after watching a few of the obsessive Youtube-ite videos. But I’ll see just about anything for a dollar. Just about. So here’s my two cents.

Pros

Excellent concept JJ Abrams. Two thumbs way up…your nose! I believe that’s called “poned” or something. Anyway.  I liked the point of view filming. I thought it gave the film a more personal feel most smash-up-the-Big-Apple movies lack. I was worried I might revisit the tex mex I had just consumed but the camera work wasn’t as unsettling as I thought it would be. Huzaah. The acting was alright and I thought the characters were believable. Again, rare to do in a movie about a city being schooled by a large, phalange waving lizard thing. (Oh, c’mon. That was no “spoiler”. Unless you live in a cave on Mars you had to have known it was going to be a monster. Or Paris Hilton. Whatev.)

Cons

Regular “Duck” readers may be sick of me singing this tune but I have to yet again: this movie needed major help with pacing. Even in an action flick where buildings are being trampled by the dozen we need a minute to process what’s going on. The events of the movie were so rapidly thrown at me I eventually stopped caring what might happen next. Its like the Rocky franchise. After a while, we just didn’t care anymore. I read that Abrams wanted to film the movie in 86 minutes, the same amount of time on a DV tape. I say, buy two tapes. I needed breathing time.

So…

Do I recommend this movie? Does it really matter? Are you all going to go home, make a pot of Mac and Cheese and watch “Lost” re-runs regardless of my pontification? I hope so. And I hope you choke. Anyway. “Cloverfield” is worth a dollar. Definitely. It might even be worth having the Scientologists come after you if you illegally download it and change the head of the monster to the head of L. Ron Hubbard. Now that would be fun. A monster terrorizing the City of New York. And then denying them psychiatric treatment. I smell a sequel coming on….

The word “stripper” is being thrown around a lot lately. First it was the headline making news that an American Idol finalist worked as a “man of the night” at an Arizona strip club. *gasp*. Then we were all taken by surprise when New York Governor Elliot Spitzer had his exploits with a call girl blasted across prime time television. It seems that our friends form the seedy underground are making quite the stir in national news circuits. But what will that mean for us regular, non clothes-removing-for-money shmoes who are trying to eek by on underpaid wages and ebay sales? Should we all give a little more thought to joining the escort industry? Here are a few reasons why stripping for cash might just be your ladder to financial success.

Take a Look At Vanessa Williams

So, what does it take to become a successful street walker? If we look at famous hookers throughout time, they all have one common thread; nudity. And in some cases, high profile nudity. Take the case of Vanessa Williams. She was crowned Miss America back in 1984 and quickly dethroned due to some questionable* photos published in Penthouse Magazine. Now, take a break and see how many former Miss Americas you can name on one finger. If you have more than no fingers up, chances are you’re either gay or a big fat party animal. And you don’t look like a big fat party animal to me. Anywho, Vanessa Williams. She’s now a respected singer, recorder, and entertainer. She even sang at Arnold Schwarzenegger gubernatorial swear in. So point number one: if you’re going into the stripping business, make sure to “leak” some photos of yourself to top publishers. And then become Miss America.

*totally nudy

Remember Diablo Cody?

Alright, so you’re on your way to increasing your income by taking off your clothes for money. Way to go. Slut. Now all you need to do is publish a best selling book about your past exploits. Diablo Cody of “Juno” fame started her career as a stripper. Well, sort of. She actually went to college and got a job, and then decided to apply at the local “house of ill repute”. Smart use of an education. Really. But then she put her poll dancing days to good use and wrote “Candy Girl: A Year in The Life of an Unlikely Stripper”, a memoir of gettin’ down. She made lots o’ dinero , as the Irish say, with that little publication. So lesson number two: use your naked experiences to write best selling books all the boring “day-jobbers” will read with secret envy.

So Sally Forth You Army of the Night

Now that you’re armed with the savvy business tactics to turn your bathroom mirror striptease into easy cash, go out there and make it big. Start small and within weeks you will be rolling in the dough as large steroid infested men drop pealed grapes into your mouth. Hey, it worked for Jennifer Flowers…kind of. And just remember: if the governor of a large state calls you for “services”, over charge him and then post your exploits on MySpace. You never know when that big press pay-off will come a callin’.$$