Have you guys ever read “Heloise”? She writes a column in most daily newspapers…dated 1957-1996. Her articles are chock full of “helpful hints” on how to deal with household mishaps. Well, she may think she’s got everything figured out…but I know I do. So hold on to your hats ladies and monkey-men. Here comes:

Robynn’s Really Terrific Tips

Tip #1-Transformers messed up the front lawn!

I know we’ve all been there. Every time the Allspark get stolen by some evil mastermind, my front lawn is absolutely demolished by those pesky “robots in disguise” looking for a place to hide. So, being the mindful housewife I am, I now keep a regular old EMP generator in the pantry next to the bleach and clean towels. When I see the beasty things headed for my azaleas, I zap ‘em. Their emaciated remains make lovely yard art.

Tip #2-Oooops! Terminator arm dents on the trunk of your car!

So, it happened again last week. We were taking the kids on a little family outing when good ol’ T-1000 sticks his extend-o-mimetic poly-alloy-arm into the trunk of the car. After raming his robot body into a smelter, I’m left with quite a messy looking car. No problem! To fix those annoying little “T-holes” just pour a mixture of liquid nitrogen and melted steel on the trunk, let it sit for two or three days, and then drive it off a cliff. The insurance will never be able to prove that the T-800 didn’t destroy the car in self defense. And then BLING-payout.

Tip #3-Rotting zombie flesh on the upholstery.

When the undead show up unexpected, they can sometimes leave quite a mess. So next time you’re left to clean up Uncle Jack’s rotten leavings off the couch or Neighbor Millie’s discarded eye-ball, remember; a little kerosene goes a long way. Torch the living room, and start over. Also, this cleaning method works double time. The undead HATE fire and will probably not return if they know you burned your house to the ground upon their last visit.

So friends, here are just a few ‘helpful hints’ on how to keep your house and cars free of unsightly dings and torsos. And remember: there’s nothing a little c4 and ammonium nitrate can’t fix!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 24th, 2009 at 9:11 pm and is filed under Total Coolness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.