Wow. Am I still pregnant? Really nature? This was your plan all along? Screw you.

I’ve decided being pregnant is like waiting inline  at Disneyland to ride Splash Mountain. You’re pretty nervous about the end result, and the wait is long and strewn with animatronic rabbits. Well, maybe not that last part, but you get the idea.

With all our technological advances, you’d think we could have come up with a way to safely speed up the baby process. I mean, we can now eat yogurt that comes in a tube for Pete’s Sake! Why on earth can’t we make the whole pregnancy dealy last like…say….ten minutes…with a hint of strawberries at the end?

I like my origional proposal. Grow the baby in a fish aquarium until he is fully ready to join us non-aqatic life forms. You could feel him, watch him grow-it’d be like having a sea monkey, but one that will eventually grow to resent you and wreck your car.

Out Baby! I say. But when you do come out, could you please do it quietly and with as little pain to your host as possible? I didn’t sign up for hours of pain and swearing. If I’d wanted that, I’d have just gone to a Micheal More movie. BLAM.

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