We’ve all seen the news. Lots of people getting lots o’ dough from their old Unkey-Sam. Bailouts, earmarks, pork barreling, pork rinds, Rihanna, gonorrhea, goats. It all comes back to goats.

So here are a few more bailouts I think are in order:

1-Lady with tonz of kids. Yep. She had 8. At once. Now I read an article that said the mother of the octuplets (I refuse to use to phrase ‘octo-mom’) planned to use student loans to pay for her litter of babies. Hmmm….I think maybe, instead of the government making her fill out all that FAFSA info (what a pain!) they should just slip her a few crisp bailout dolla’s (sic…I know…it is sick). Why stop at just fourteen little mouths to feed? Bailouts for all babies that come our of this woman’s womb, I say. She likes babies? Next time try for ten!

2-The struggling “Wal-Mart Crap” industry. I think by now loyal duck readers know of my distaste for the Wal-Mart. But it doesn’t travel as far as hatred for their rows upon rows of endless useless crapola. I had to take the old people there the other day and was amazed at what is still being produced by our little brown brothers over seas. In light of recent economic events, however, I feel like the aisle after aisle of plastic eggs, foam board, and Hanan Montana glow-up lip balm might take a hit. So I suggest an official Wal-Mart Crap bail-out. Let the government buy up the eighty varieties of Jonas Brothers Briefs for Boys. Who could loose?

3- Dancers at Las Vegas Casinos (only the attractive ones). I heard a rumor that Las Vegas is taking an economic hit these days. Oh no! Not Vegas! The city that’s screwed so many people out of so much money over the years is now learning what its like to have to buy generic toilet paper at the Wal-Mart. But we can’t let the hard working pantsless dancing force suffer! Write to your congressmen! Tell them to bailout all the hoties on the dance floor! We can’t have generic dancers, bought at the local All-A-Dollar! No! Bail out the attractive dancers. Let them roll around in more than just sweaty dollar bills. Slip a few hundreds into them there underwears.

This could be what’s in store for our Vegas entertainment…without the bailouts.

So, bailouts all around I say! Oh, I want one too, BTW.

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