My Child’s Life Plan
Well! We have a baby. Yup. Perdy cool. But lets get down to brass tacks shall we? We’ve got to get this kid going,. His life is already…at least .0004% over and he still doesn’t know whether he wants to be a Princeton man or a Harvard…fairy (he might be gay…hasn’t made a move on a female…ever.)
So, because he won’t get going I’ve decided to set him on the right course myself. So here goes my life plan for The Babe.
Age 3. Reading. Not just anything mind you. I mean reading real, full length novels like “The Stranger” and “Heart of Darkness”. Every month I will require him to type up a four page, single spaced analytic review of what he read, complete with plot structure critique and character id evaluation. If he can’t do at least this, then he will be no child of mine.
Age 6. Music composition. Mozart pooped a symphony at age four. Our child will have written a full length musical to the story of…oh…lets say Homer’s Odyssey by the age of 6. Not challenging, enough you say? He’ll do it while aboard a classic sailing vessel bound for Valparaiso. If he can’t learn to sail while writing a hit musical, then it will be no allowance for him.
Age 10. Physics. Yep. He’s going to blow the lid off of perpetual motion. His discoveries will be evaluated by Stephen Hawking and the corpse of Carl Sagan. They will love his work. He will be asked to join them at their MENSA retreat in Yosemite. He won’t be allowed to go. Who lets a 10 year old travel by himself…really?
The rest of his life will be spent designing race car suspension axels off the coast of burma. Why? Because it builds character. He will marry at the age of 26 to a Columbian nuclear physicist who like to dance for the Russian Ballet in her spare time and knows all the words the every Beatles song, because we don’t want our son marrying some nerd…now do we?
That’s about it. So c’mon boy. Get started. At 2.5 months you are sorely behind in your life’s pursuits. Slap on that cumber bun and get in the car. The Met Opera is waiting.