Hi! I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, maybe a few too many times, that I recently applied to work for The Onion. I have no illusions that I will be chosen to write for the sacred mother ship, but it was a fun process non-the-less to come up with ten Oniony headlines. So, in the tradition of self-gratification (in a good way) I present to you my Onion submissions:

*Britain’s Sick of Waiting for Queen to Die: Holds Funeral Anyway

*Hippies Hold Annual “Nothing Like the Original Burning Man” Festival

*Justice Scalia Overcame Harvard Upbringing to Rise to Ranks of Supreme Court

*Gaming Addict Accidentally has Sex With Wife

*Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore Angry Over Lack of Cute Conglomerate Nickname

*Outdoors Equipment Stores See Influx in Douche Bags Buying Climbing Gear

*Obama Visit’s With Nation’s Poor Behind Double Thick Glass From Moving Car

*Blind Man Sees For the First Time After Surgery: Disappointed By Wife’s Looks

*Some Pregnant Women Now Think Natural Labor not “Hard Core Enough”, Opt for Sumo Pummeling While Delivering

*Wookie Scientist Finds Genetic Link to Walking Carpet

*Beauty Contestant Accidentally Makes Sense When Answering Judge’s Question

*Facebook to Add New “Stab” Feature

Them’s um. I’ll find out in probably two weeks or so if they want me on staff. Its almost IMPOSSIBLE to get hired by these guys so I state again, I have no grand hopes. But at least I was able to devote a few days to living my dream.

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