So Dan just bought himself a “Hero”…nope, not a sandwich like I originally thought, but a cell phone. It’s supposed to do everything you could ever hope for and more. So far I’ve been pretty unimpressed by its functionality and performance and, in thus observing what I’ve been told is the end all be all of cell phones, I’ve decided I’m going to design and launch my own, truly “smart”, phone. Here’s what she’ll have to offer:

Everyone raves and raves about tab browsing and touch sensory movement on the new and sparkly cell phones. YAWN. On my phone, I would be able not only to access the Internet, send and receive emails, and look up the latest on my buddy Kanye West, but I could actually teleport myself into whatever picture I was looking at and talk face to face with the featured celebrity and/or president. I could also employ the phone’s “Invisibility Mode” that would allow me to go undetected into the CNN news room and slap Nancy Grace across the face. Oh, your phone can’t teleport and make you invisible? LAME.

Secondly, my phone would be able to talk. Like Night Boat, or Teddy Ruxbin. And I don’t just mean talk like a stupid anamatronic  dog from the 80s that sounds like Stephen Hawking or some crap like that. I mean I could have whole conversations with my little device and it could answer back. Example:

me: “Smart Phone-who do you think will win the gold in pole vaulting at the next Olympics?”

SP: “Why, you of course oh Great Master of the Universe.”

me: “And who will win the next Nobel Prize in the fields of both Astrophysical Astronomy and World Peace?”

SP: “Again, you Master.”

That’s how I see my conversations going with my little friend the Smart Phone.

My last design involves a never ending supply of hot food. That’s right. My phone can cook. And serve. And clean up. At the push of a button Mr. Smarty Phone Pants (I think that’s what I’ll call it; MSPP) can make me a hot steak and potato dinner, serve it up on fine silver, and then dispose of the dishes in the blink of an eye. Blink Blink. It can cook fish, pasta, rice, and yes, of course, burritos.

So…I think my phone is totally going to pwn all of the other n00bs. Your phones will all look like sissy little girls trying out for the Sissy Little Girl of the Year Award when my MSPP come out. So you might as well just throw them away now.

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