Surviving an Action Movie
The other day I was driving down the freeway when suddenly it occurred to me; what if I was in an action movie right now? What if my whole life was an action movie? At any moment semis full of radioactive waste could come hurdling towards me at faster-than-light speeds.
This got me to thinking. If I’m in an action movie…then I need to figure out if I’m an expendable extra or a main character. Expendable extras die right off the bat and usually expire in large numbers. They are faceless and add little to no emotional energy to the rest of the movie.
On the other hand are the main characters. They usually live through the whole movie (unless they’re evil) and survive events that seem to pulverize everyone else around them. Even main characters with no previous crisis training make it through alive.
So what then separates the main characters from the extras? DIALOGUE. That’s it. Dialogue. The more you hear someone talk in a movie, the higher chance that person has of surviving earthquakes, fires, zombies, flesh-eating werewolves, Alan Rickman and Orcs. No dialogue means speedy death for sure.
It is for this reason I have taken to yelling movie cliches at any given time now while I am driving alone. “I’M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS ***CRAP**” or “OH NO YOU DI-UH” are personal favorites. The more hokey or cliche the better. I figure, the more I can put myself in the main front of this action movie, the better chance I have of not getting burned alive, frozen to death, eaten by wild dogs, or stabbed by a T-1000.
I’d recommend this strategy to any one who wants to survive their own action movie. You never know what live may throw at you. Be ready with a great quip like “HASTA LA VISTA, BABY”. (This one is especially helpful if you have zombie babies chasing you.)