Well, folks. Its finally happened. The movie I’ve been waiting to see for years and years has made it across my vantage. And I was not let down. I’m talking, of course, about a little piece of cinematic genius called, “Waterworld”. It was golden.

The reason this movie is so amazing is because its not really a movie at all. Its a training briefing for what’s going to happen when the polar ice caps melt in, according to the experts, like ten minutes. Here’s the run down:

First: The world will be completely covered in water. This is probable even though the water from the ice caps could only technically flood about 150 feet in from the coast. But somehow the water covers the globe. Kevin Costner believes it and so must you.

Second: All civilization as we know it will be altered to look like a 1980s Barbarella flick. All the women will wear ripped and revealing clothes and all the men will look like Arnold Schwarzenegger on a bad hair day.

Third: Some materials, like steel and ore, will be produced from thin air, while other, seemingly more findable resources like dirt will be sold at the price of gold. Things like gun powder and flint will be easy to find and keep dry and any type of produce will die.

Fourth: Kevin Costner will save you from death by bungee jumping into the middle of a battle and snatching you up from an evil Dennis Hopper. He will then somehow MIRACULOUSLY bounce back to his attached hover plane on a rope that looks surprisingly non-springy. Don’t ask. Just admire his biceps and bring him liquor, for he demands constant vigilance.

So, fear not our aquatic global make-over. It will all end in confusion and ambiguitiy anyway. Watch this old classic “movie” and arm yourself with the knowledge and skills you will need to survive.

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