I hate Wal-mart. But occasionally time and budget mandate a trip to the corporate hell-hole on the hill and off I go. After a few recent trips to WM, I’ve realized an odd and interesting trend in WM shoppers, namely-their names. Everyone at WM has the same naming pattern. Its like they all got together and decided to change their names to the most ridiculous conglomerate of absurd American monikers. Allow me to demonstrate.

To find out what your “Wal Mart Name” is, take your first name, drop the last syllable, and, if you are a man, add a “Ray” to the end. If you’re female, add a “Lynn”. For example; my name is Robynn. My Wal-mart name is Rob-Lynn. The hyphen is very important. Let’s take another name; Daniel (a name I say a lot…). His Wal-mart name would be Dan-Ray.

I should mention that to experience the full affect of your Wal-mart name, it needs to be yelled loudly in a southern accent and followed by the phrase “you put those panties down or mama gonna smack you.”

Ah, yes. Humanity. What an odd breed we are indeed. At least at Wal-mart. Where prices are rolled back…and so is my dignity…every time I walk through those sticky doors.

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